So, like a jerk I'm going to indulge myself for a minute and pretend that anyone is actually reading this, and among those I'm imagining are reading this, there are at least one or two who actually care about what's been going on with me, and why I haven't posted anything in almost two months.
Originally, I thought of this blog as, aside from another pointless bit of ego-indulgence, a way to blow off some steam and nurture any spare ideas I might have had while writing my graduate thesis, so that if anything that wasn't specifically related to what I was writing about for school came to me, I would have an outlet for it, and maybe the chance to get some people to read and comment on it, open up a dialog or whatever. Unfortunately, this idea came to me rather late in the game thesis-wise so that by the time I actually started 'Negative Pleasure' and put a few posts up, I was so totally under the gun that there really wasn't much time or energy left in me to do anything but work on my thesis and try to get it finished in time, especially since I had already missed my deadline like three times before and really didn't want to miss it again, the finished thesis being the only thing that stood between me and the completion of graduate school.
So, in rapid succession, last month I finished my thesis, turned thirty (the next day no less), graduated from graduate school and began looking for a job. While all of this may seem a bit triumphant, or at least, y'know, satisfying or whatever, it's also been kind of depressing and degrading. For one thing, writing the thesis consumed so much of my attention for such a long time (about 2 1/2 years), and school in general before that, that to suddenly have it be done, over, finished has left kind of a big void in my life. For a fair portion of that 2 1/2 years, all I really thought about was my thesis and getting it done. I stopped socializing to a large degree, and also developed sleeping habits that I think alot of people would consider unhealthy. In a way it's like the phantom itch, the feeling you apparently get after losing a limb that sometimes the limb is still there. I find myself 'reaching' for my academic work at times then suddenly realizing it's not there anymore. So I've been a little down.
Turning 30 and having to find a job doesn't help much, of course. Looking for work always really sucks, it's basically going around trying to convince people to give you permission to do shit you don't want to do for them in order to help them make more money, none of which you will get. Of course, there are some good jobs out there, but I have no idea how to find them. They're sure not anywhere I've been looking. And word-of-mouth, friend-of-a-friend type stuff has been so far fairly fruitless as well, which sucks because that's the way I've found most of my jobs in the past.
A big part of the problem is that while in some ways I've always been kind of career oriented, that career has been something separate from my working experience. Mostly, I've just worked fairly unsubstantial I didn't care anything about, and then done my more important (important to me), creative work on this side. In terms of producing things that I'm proud of, I've been fairly successful (in film/video making, writing, art & music) but in terms of being able to make a buck off of anything that I actually feel I'm good at, or even really interested in, I'm basically a bum/loser/failure/etc. So now all of a sudden finding myself at 30 and looking to start a career (in media, be it comics, tv, film or publishing, whoever'll have me) is all kind of daunting and at times a little demeaning. Part of the problem, as with everything, is ego. I really want a job where I can use my skills, my creativity and my mind, and hate the idea of just taking the first thing that comes along because I need the money. You know, I consider a more thoughtful person than anything else, an 'idea man', but there don't seem to be alot of employers out there looking for 'idea people.' Whatever, I don't want to sound totally self-pitying about the whole thing, I'm sure an okay job will come along eventually, but the whole process is just kind of disheartening sometimes, and if you can't complain a little about feel that way on your stupid blog that nobody reads, where can you complain about it?
And then there's just the general malaise of suddenly finding myself aged 30 and not really at the place in my life that I want to be. I won't write anymore about because I feel kind of lame writing about any of this in a public forum. Hopefully it won't come off as totally 'oh woe is me,' I realize in the grander scheme of things I'm quite lucky and well off. That doesn't make me feel any better, but I am aware of it.
Anyway, this is a long roundabout way of saying that while it's been a while since I've written, I've been thinking about writing things for this the whole time, and plan on adding stuff more regularly from now on, at least on a weekly basis, starting in a couple of days with a media round-up of films, tv, music, books and comics I've been loving, hating, or hating myself for loving lately. Actually it'll mostly be films and comics, but whatever, you get the drift.
In the meantime, go see BUG in a movie theatre, and check out the awesome new albums by the Sixteens and Black Ice on Hungry Eye Records (and thanks to Dan from Hungry Eye for the posting about my radio show on his blog!).
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